11-9-2001 | 2:32 a.m.

I’m on some kind of binge of the drug variety lately, which is why it’s difficult to write and more importantly make sense. I only know that I’m taking more and more Xanax every night and if I don’t then I can’t sleep. But that’s not true, because I’m still not sleeping. And the Xanax isn’t just calming me or making me tired, instead I get this euphoric high that I’m starting to depend on. I need that every night. Is that a problem? Not sure. Is it interfering with my life? Maybe. I’m writing crappy papers for EN102 and Sociology and for some reason I’m getting A’s. I’m bullshitting my way through the classes. I just write what I think the professors want to read. And every paper is started and completed the night before it’s due.

Overwhelmed. Too many people pulling me in different directions. My Mom is still freaking out. Now she won’t let anyone touch or open the mail, except for me. Cause, hey yeah – if someone has to deal with anthrax, should be me. Now she’s imagining nuclear war. And we have the same conversation every day. "Aren’t you scared?" She asks. "No." I reply. She looks at me and shakes her head. "You should be afraid and if you aren’t than something really IS wrong with you." {I refuse to let a bunch of cult-like freaks scare me. And, I'm not afraid to die. Bring it on.} But meanwhile, I have become the main caregiver for my younger siblings. Every night I sit down and help both of them with homework. Every afternoon I try to keep my Mom’s negativity away from them. We take walks. Ride scooters (you know I always fall), play video games and all that stuff. Playing mediator and breaking up fights. And I still sit through "Dawson’s Creek" (is his cranium getting larger or what?) with my sister every Wednesday night. I’m glad that I can help them; be there. But between taking care of them and school and insomnia and mania and depression and dramas of my friends – I’m just so exhausted. So at the end of the night, I need that euphoric feeling. Everything is all quiet. The racing thoughts stop. I’m not a Mom, I just wish I didn’t have to act as one all the time. I’ve tried to get my Mom help, but she refuses and freaks out at me even more.

I usually only look at my face in a compact mirror. Until a few days ago, I didn’t even have a mirror in my bathroom. I looked at myself and asked my friend Shelly, "Why does my hair look so thin?" She looked at me strange and said, "It isn’t your hair, it’s your face. You do know you’ve lost too much weight, don’t you?" And I didn’t even realize it. I mean, I knew my jeans were getting way too lose. But I’ve just been worrying so much about everyone else and caring for them. So, I did the dreaded scale thing – only to be shocked that I’d lost 20 pounds since the last time I weighed myself (about a month ago.) Now I know why, when I was donating blood, the nurse looked me up and down and said, "Are you sure you weigh at least 110 pounds?" – since you have to be at least that much to give. I kind of laughed and said, "Yeah." And I had no clue. I know I haven’t been eating much – no appetite anymore. I know I’m healthy otherwise. So, does this mean another bout of depression. And yet I’ve had a few manic episodes again, or something similar. I’m confused. Can’t think straight.

And for me to be a further disappointment, I’ll have to delay Diary Survivor 3 until after the holidays – Christmas and the like. I feel really horrible about that. But emotional I’m screwed lately. Plus, I just had to shell out $600.00 to my dentist for a few cavities and a special night guard (kind of like the mouthpieces football players wear,) because of the intense teeth grinding I am supposedly doing while asleep. Dentist says that it's a stress related unconscious condition. Yeah, like I couldn't have figured that out. The loudness of my teeth scraping together actually woke me up the other night. Plus, it's been like that for years. Or, so I have been told by a few people - "You kept waking me up all night with that 'finger nails on blackboard sound' of your teeth knashing together." Oh the horror. At least now I know why I’ve been having jaw pain and headaches. Hopefully this will work though. The dentist took X-Rays and said that the cartilage between my jaw bones is eroding from all that grinding. If it completely erodes, it’ll be just bones grinding against bone – which I’m told isn’t much fun. If that happens I’ll have to have surgery. Not that I’d be scared, but I don’t have dental insurance – so all this money is coming out of my dwindling bank account.

So, I wouldn’t be able to provide the gift certificate for the Survivor winner. After the holidays, however, I should be a little more financially stable. So...hopefully the contest will take place in January. I apologize. Yeah, I suck. Berate me on the message board, I’ll understand. I have to post this update at the contest website later too. Ah…I can already feel all the hate directed this way.

I think I should just pop Xanax all day and night. Look how I was able to focus and actually type this entry. Without the pills I don’t think it’d happen. Maybe Xanax isn’t that bad. Maybe it is the calm that I crave – not just the euphoria/drunken like feeling. But it still feels wrong for some reason.