01-28-2002 | 3:47 a.m.

Where is everyone? No one is ever around when I am. Talk to me people! Insomnia is a bitch.

Anyway, I'll warn you now: my entries will be kind of screwed up. I always feel ready to ramble when I can't sleep and the damn Xanax makes me feel like I'm asleep but awake at the same time. All day I've been feeling so disattached from my body, Depersonalization.

I really am weaning myself off the Wellbutrin, although my doc does not know this yet. Today I skipped one dose. In a few days I'll take it down another notch. And then I guess completely. But I have no idea how I'll feel while coming off this. I'll probably be an angry bitch. So don't mind the ranting. Or will I get seriously depressed? Or maybe I'll finally be able to sleep.

I think my Mom knows something is up. She's the one that made the big deal about the hand tremors. And I see her staring at me, with that look on her face: like she's assessing me. I guess the physical symptoms are starting to show. I have no appetite. Everyone stares at me when I'm eating - judging the portions. Offering me more food. And that just makes me want to eat alone. But yeah that dissociation today, freaky. Someone thinks it's the antibiotics I just started taking - Bioxin. I have no clue. I didn't think antibiotics could make you feel like that. But my biggest fear is that they will discover the Xanax. They all think I stopped after that last detox/horrible NY hospital ordeal. I'd be out of here if they found out. I do only take it at night, around no one.

And with encouragement from Annatto I did send off an email to JANE magazine regarding their Xanax/Vicodin pushing. Maybe I'll post it here tomorrow. I doubt the editor will even read, less respond to it. I'm not sure if they like serious letters like that.