7-11-2001 | 2:35 a.m.

All right. So now I'm back to 3 or 4 Xanax every night. Helps me sleep, but I really think it causes that severe, crazy depression (read last entry.) I didn't even remember writing the last one. I have to stop writing while on a Xanax high/low. I'm letting the pills take control of me again. And I wish I could stop but I'd fall apart if I did. And there's no way I'm going to detox again. Is it possible that Xanax causes suicidal thoughts? Hey, at least I'm not drinking.

And now the rest of the week is too overwhelming. I'm actually talking about my friends and family. Scary, huh? You might want to leave now. But if you scroll to the last paragraph you might be amused.

Okay here's the first part. Back-story:
I briefly dated (seriously we only went out twice) this guy Phil who is my Step-Dad's best friend's brother. Confused yet? heh. I was still in high school, around 17 years old. Phil is older, about 5 years so. I broke up with my boyfriend (I hate using that word) and went out with Phil a few times. We made out (eww hate that word too) a few times. Nothing serious. No sex. Did you hear me? None! Then the ex got jealous, we got back together, and buh-bye Phil.

I've run into Phil at parties and bars. We remained friendly. But not the constant communication friendly. The last time I saw him was last year at the ever so overbearing Russ' house. Until last week....

So, Step-Dad said that a few of his friends were driving up on their Harleys. You know, from my former home town. 2 hours south from here. Guess who's with them? Phil. So, everyone was talking and drinking (except me since I'm like 12 and no one will let me.) Phil told me that I look amazing. *blush* Compliments scare me. Told me he'd really missed me and that we should try to stay in touch. He took me for a ride on his bike. Which, let me tell you scared the hell out of me. Not a big fan of motorcycles. Something about putting my life in the hands of someone else. Only I can do that! The guys were here for a few hours and had to leave. So my Mom was all, "Phil you should visit again soon." And I'm like cursing her out under my breath.

After everyone leaves my Mom makes a point of stating that Phil doesn't have a girlfriend. And now....Phil is on vacation and is driving up on his bike tomorrow. Staying for a few days I think. And Step-Dad says, "I think he's coming up here cause he wants to see you." Another of the guys told Step-Dad that "Phil needs a good woman, like Meg." And I started to freak out. Well, in my head anyway. Now, Phil is a gentleman, so I'm not afraid that he'll hit on me the whole time he's here. But I just don't know what the deal is. I don't want to get involved with anyone. Seriously. Well, only if Robert Downey Jr. gets out of rehab and asks if he could borrow some Xanax. Back to reality; this situation is making me nervous. And I'm annoyed with Mom in the 'I want to kill her because she keeps saying that Phil is such a sweetie and I am sick of her trying to push me into relationships' kind of way. And Step-Dad came home today with a keg of beer and everyone will be drinking. Except me - because everyone is trying to change me. So I'll be tortured watching everyone else get wasted. Again, they get all stupid drunk while telling me I can't drink at all. Hypocrites. And I don't want to hurt Phil's feelings. Ahhhhhh. Okay.

There's more, wait. Isn't this a boring ass entry? Did you stop reading yet? On Sunday my Dad is visiting! (I think he's about ready to leave his leech of a wife, yay! Anyone want to be my new Step-Mom?) He'll be here until Wednesday. Staying in a hotel of course because the offer from Step-Dad to stay here freaked him out. I haven't seen my father since last August. And he's never visited me up here. I'm all nervous and jumpy. My older brother is also driving up with him and staying till Monday. When I talk to my father on the phone I have no clue what to say. Lots of awkward silence. Am I going to be all jittery and anxious when he's here? I don't want him to think I'm not mentally sound. And he's been so absent in my life for the past 10 years that I don't even feel like he's my Dad.

So yeah the next 7 days will be pretty freaky. And I won't even start on 'Drunken neighbor Jeff' and how he's convinced his cat committed suicide. That story is for another entry. That guy is even more fucked up than me. Anyway, I probably won't be able to update until next week. So don't go thinking I'm dead.