1-31-2001 | 1:00 AM

I had a mini-breakdown at the doctor's office yesterday. As I sat in the waiting room I flipped through a magazine. One of the ads showed a woman in her yard with beautiful Fall foliage surrounding her. She was smiling. And the voice in my head spoke. "Remember how much you loved the Fall as a child & teenager. Running through the leaves. Long walks. There will never be such joy in your life again. Give up already." So I shut the magazine. Then, as I sat on the examining table waiting for the doc I imagined the nurses standing outside the door making fun of me. I started to freak. I hopped off the table and stood by the door. No one there. I started to pace. I couldn't breathe. Do I ask for Valium or another anti-anxiety medication. My eyes started to tear. Thankfully the doc was running late so I had enough time to pull myself together. I didn't ask for any meds. But I do have bronchitis once again. I really have to start taking better care of myself.

Last night I had to fight with myself to keep from drinking. I'd get to the liquor cabinet, turn around, and return to my room. Five or six times. Way too much going on inside my head. I finally settled for 2 sleeping pills. The last two in the bottle. Do I call for a refill? I had washed my sheets and blankets in the afternoon. When I feel ill I always do that. It comforts me to be wrapped in clean blankets. So after taking the pills I curled up in bed. Usually Shiny Kitten-Cat sleeps under my covers, right by my face. He won't be back from the vet until Thursday or Friday. I miss the little guy. And I want to kill my step-dad. Really I do. Not only because he had the kitten declawed but because he goes out of his way to make me feel like a waste of life. Comments here and there. Nasty looks.

Last night I dreamt that he kicked me out of the house. It was snowing. I begged to be let back in. He told me to sleep outside. I cried and he laughed. I swear the man is out to get me. But then I am extremely paranoid lately.

Dutch-cat is laying on my bed watching me type. Usually he sleeps with my younger brother every night. I truly believe animals know when you're depressed or ill and watch over you. I'm sure he misses his little brother too.

Therapy again tomorrow night. I don't know what to expect or what to say.

I need a drink so badly.