12-09-00 | 2:30 AM

My concept of time is way off. When I finally reappear from my self-seclusion people say: "How could you take off like that and not tell me? I was worried." And then I wonder. Has it been that long? When I'm in my own little world time stops. So I may have not spoken to you in 1 month, but it seems like just 1 day to me. I can remember that last conversation we had word for word. I don't purposely drop out of view. I never mean to hurt anyone. What may or may not have happened in that time frame is rarely remembered. I suppose that is how I wake up in an ER with no recollection of downing 30 sleeping pills. And with a high blood alcohol level. And then an overbearing hospital psychiatric counselor tells me that I'm suicidal. And I laugh and say; "It was accidental. I think I would have remembered wanting to kill myself. I was probably just trying to get really wasted." Man, I wish I could remember that high. And the fun of riding in an ambulance.

But that happened sometime last spring. I didn't do much damage to myself this time. That I know of anyway.

One of my Mom's friends committed suicide two days ago. She hung herself from a tree. Someone found her hanging there and called 911. She was alive still, but died the next day in the hospital. And I get pissed off every time someone I know does something like this. Because it's a selfish act. And now her family and friends will suffer. In particular my cousins Tracy and Danielle. This woman was their aunt. And yet I think a part of me is jealous. Because this person is no longer suffering. And sometimes I think I hurt people more by continuing to live.