1-23-2002 | 3:24 a.m.

I must mention something that freaked me out. I was browsing peoples' profiles on Yahoo and came across this one from a man whose only two interests were listed as:

1. Christopher Walken
2. cats (as in the animal/pet)

Is that scary or what?

Once again I was unsuccessful in my attempt to wean off of the Wellbutrin and Xanax. After cutting back to 150 mg. of Wellbutrin a day I started to feel really strange. Everything annoyed me. Especially noises. I couldn't even sit and eat with anyone. The chewing of others seemed so amplified and disgusting. And I was so irritable. I kept snapping and people and was all cranky. Someone would sniffle and I'd run from the room. I'm sure I wasn't a blast to be around.

Then I cut back on the Xanax and didn't sleep for 2 days. So, I had to up the dosages on both again. I seriously think I might need another detox for the Xanax. It helps me sleep and gives me that stress free/power to speak my mind ability. But I know the drug is screwing with my mind and body.

But after a lengthy disappearance from my house, I could just imagine the reaction my Mom would have if I said: "Hey, I think I need detox again."

Even though it would be a good step for me, Mom wouldn't see it that way. She doesn't even know I'm back on the pills. I've hidden it better than I was ever able to do. So, if she found out I'm not only secretly seeing another doc to scam Xanax - but that I've been back on it for over 6 months....well I might be thrown out again. Or forced into rehab.

Yes, I screwed up, but getting help to stop isn't worth the backlash.

And, this coke addict guy my Mom used to work with is really trying to lure me. He's close to 40 years old and I remember having a crush on him when I was 12. He still looks pretty good - well besides the fact that his nose is collapsing from all the snorting. He calls my Mom's line when he knows she won't be home, so he can talk to me.

"I can get you any drug you want," Druggie Danny says. And at times I almost feel like taking him up on his offer. But I know he wants something in return. He is constantly telling me that I've grown into such a beautiful and sexy woman and that he'd love to spend time with me. Ewwww. I just get so tempted. But hey, I still am not drinking. I'm always tempted in that area, but my ulcer is almost healed - so I need to stay away from the booze. Oooh Absolut I miss you.

But yeah, some of those issues are the reason I took off. And I didn't pay my net bill in months. So they cut off my service. I don't know why I kept ignoring the bills. Huh, you mean the Internet isn't free? Yeah, I was pretty out of it. But I paid all my bills, but still have a ton of issues to deal with.

That's all for now my little snuggle-bugs.