10-31-2001 | 2:24 p.m.

Scott Weiland showed me his ass!

Ready for my "Family Values" commentary? Let’s start at the beginning though. Security: No metal detectors, but we were frisked. I was asked to hold my arms up and spread my legs. Hmmmm. Then the security guy said, "You don’t mind if I touch you?" Seriously, he said that. I said, "I guess not." like I had a choice.

Okay, so we’re in. I have to note how amazing our seats were. It was an End Stage setup. Our seats were on the first level, directly next to the stage, about 7 rows from the bottom. Perfect full view! I’ve never been seated that close to the stage. Now here’s my review:

Deadsy – AKA the band with 4 fans. The place was pretty empty at this point. Let me just tell you...they sucked. The lead singer yelled out, "Are you ready for some real Metal?" – uhm yeah, very lame. However, there were 4 Goth girls a few rows in front of us that were mega fans. It almost hurt to look. I felt embarrassed for them. They had a Deadsy banner made from a ripped white sheet and kept yelling and jumping up and down. Meanwhile, everyone pointed and laughed – at the band and the girls. Wait a second, upon further research I realize that the lead singer is Cher’s son! Okay, now I see how they got a spot on the Family Values tour. Scary.

Static X – Billy says that the lead singer looked like an Oompa Loompa, from that Willy Wonka movie. Well, he was short and he had these ugly purple pants on. It was the guitarist that scared me. He’d jump around and then slump over and freeze every few minutes. He looked like a puppet or a mime or Raggedy Andy or something. The music? Not bad, but I wouldn’t buy their CD or anything. Honestly, I was too fixated on the creepy guitarist to really let the music sink in.

Linkin Park – Kickass. What a presence. The audience sang every word of every song along with the band. I’ve never seen such a reaction. Amazing energy. Chester even said that he couldn’t believe that everyone knew the songs like that. And he said that we were "fucking amazing" – so there. The guitarist, Brad, was jumping around and smiling and Billy insists that he was staring right at me. Yeah, okay. But seriously, that’s one of the reasons they were so amazing – it felt like they were singing to and looking directly at us. These guys are so real. I loved the way Chester and Mike traded vocals back and forth. Then Chester would jump off the amp or stand on the little catwalk area (directly in front of us) and we’d start freaking out. Oh hell, you know I was awestruck by Chester and practically drooling. The highlight was during "One Step Closer" – I was so psyched to hear the "Shut up when I’m talking to you" part, Chester sounded wicked. But every song (especially "Forgotten" and "Runaway") sounded amazing and I hated to see them leave. If you have a chance, see Linkin Park live. You may be wary because of their popularity, but believe me – these guys know how to put on a show. If they come back to NY, I'll gladly spend another 2 hours on the phone to get tickets.

Staind – This is the time when I took a pee break and bought an iced tea and some Skittles. Lame and boring. The set seemed to go on forever. When I was walking around checking out the highly overpriced tee-shirts, I saw this boy with black makeup on – you know like in that movie "The Crow" and I tried to not laugh until he passed, but I did. I feel kind of bad. I’m such a meanie. When I got back to my seat, I was annoyed that Staind were still on the stage. And then this bald muscle dude in front of me started singing "It’s been a while" and held up a lighter. But anyway, the band didn’t have a stage presence. No freaky guitarist or crazy bleached blonde singer. Just Aaron Lewis in black baggy pants and a tee-shirt. Bleh.

Stone Temple Pilots – Scott Weiland appeared on stage wearing a priest get-up and a cape. I kid you not. Then he took off his shirt and started with the snake moves. And he was so close! I thought I’d pass out, I was shaking, really. And Billy was laughing at me. The highlights were "Trippin on a Hole in a Paper Heart" and "Dead and Bloated." And guitarist, Robert DeLeo, stood there looking good, nodding and wearing a cowboy hat. Here’s the corny part – I actually cried. Stop laughing! I stood next to Billy and it just brought so many memories back. These were the songs that we listened to while getting drunk on the boardwalk. We’d sit on the front steps of my house and dream up elaborate futures for ourselves. We thought we knew so much, being in middle school and all. Silly kids. And there we were, so many years later, still close. (But the Billy situation needs its own entry, maybe later.) Melodramatic, huh? I finally had a chance to see STP live and I couldn’t have imagined such an amazing experience. Worth the wait. At the end of the show, Scott Weiland started to take his pants off! I think my heart stopped beating, I swear. His back was turned to the audience, mooning us. Then, someone draped a US flag around him. At this point I wasn’t sure if I was seeing what I thought I saw. Does that make sense? The guys in the band took a bow and Scott turned to leave, dropped the flag and ran off the stage naked. I can now die happy.

If you attended a Family Values concert, go to the board (*click* menu at left) and tell me what you thought.