4-23-2002 | 1:10 a.m.

Dumped psych doc, you called me manipulative. You accused me of playing the 'victim card' to gain access to sedatives. You wanted to shock my brain, because "many of my patients have had success with ECT." You don't thinks meds are the answer. I need to change my attitude and actually take your advice. You think I'm a drug addict.

Dumped bitchy psychologist, you accused me of using my looks and "doe-eyes" to suck people in, use, and then discard them. Meanwhile, you only penciled my appointments in and failed to show up for said sessions.

Everyone, I can't feel what you want me to feel. Even though I want to, I can't be there emotionally. I get nervous and I don't know what to say to you anymore. I always think you're judging me.

I know I should detox, but I won't. I need the pills. My body needs sleep, and Xanax is the only successful aid.

Call me manipulative, bitchy or detached. I don't care anymore. Obviously I'm hindering my "recovery" which is why I cannot find professional help. I won't allow them to lock me up for "long term evaluation" so I guess I don't want help.