12-18-2000 | 9:30 PM

Only a week till Christmas. And I finally found the elusive "Barbie Volkswagen Beetle" for my sister. I remember my first Barbie vehicle. Not sure how old I was, maybe 6 or 7. My brother George and I used to wake up before 5:00 AM on Christmas morning. And we weren't allowed to wake our parents or even look at the wrapped presents under the tree until 7:00 AM. Torture! Anyway, when the time came we started to open our presents. I couldn't imagine what was in the huge box with my name on it. Ripping the paper off, I found the Barbie motor home. Now that was a cool Barbie ride. The thing was like 3 feet long and had bunkbeds and a patio and stuff. My Mom took a picture of me opening it. I'll have to find it so you can see the cheesy grin on my face.

Christmas is still magical for my siblings and me. And every year I get through the month of December with the though, "If I can just stay somewhat stable until X-Mas." And then Christmas passes and I have to set another date to get through.

Robert Downey Jr. and I now have something in common. Oh..shhhhh. We both were in legal trouble for possessing Valium without a prescription. But I didn't go to jail. Only a 3 week detox/rehab stay and lots of outpatient drug counseling. I doubt Robert will be that lucky this time. Some people think he's an idiot. But it's not like you care about the consequences while you're all wasted and happy. And I get pissed off when my Mom has a glass of wine with dinner every night or when friends have a drink or two. Because after one drink I'll continue until I can't walk and have to be carried home. Or until I pass out. And that sucks.

So yeah, it's been a few weeks since I've had a drink. I did get some sleeping pills from my MD, but I haven't been abusing those yet. Said MD advised me to avoid alcohol completely. My stomach is shot. I've had ulcers since age 18. I wonder what my liver looks like? Ick, actually I'd rather not know. I also have a nervous habit. When I feel anxious I make myself vomit. And then I feel calmer. And now that Valium is a no-no....well you get the point.

Bleh. I can't write about this crap any longer. More another day.