6-24-2001 | 3:08 p.m.

We rented "Vertical Limit" last night, because Nick had a minor role in it. Fairly entertaining. Okay here's the part of the evening that freaked me out. Ryan insisted that we watch the movie at his house since I've always avoided going there. I walk in and his Mom walks up to me smiling, "I finally get to meet you! Ryan talks about you so much." And his Dad pretty much reacted in the same way. I truly believed they would sit down and watch the movie with us. They didn't. Sweet people. But those situations always make me nervous as hell. And we're only friends so 'meeting the parents' is too strange for me.

When I got home I popped a few Xanax so I'd be able to sleep. But if I don't jump right into bed I start to feel all drunk and euphoric. So I try to only take the pills right before I lay down. I didn't last night. Bad idea. I kept thinking, "If I have a couple shots of vodka the high will be better!" I didn't though. So, I decide to leave Analyzer messages for some dland folks. I am now apologizing to anyone who received a wacky message from me. I think I made an ass of myself. And I may have written things that could be easily misread. I'm sorry sweetie. Without drawing further attention - you know I'm talking to you. Bad Meg. Bad.

Why don't I see my psychologist anymore? Okay. A few months ago during a session she told me that she believed I was psychotic. I was beyond disturbed. I became paranoid imagining that everyone knew and thought I was crazy. And the next week I arrive for my session and I am told that I don't have an appointment. Again! I had the card with me and therapist lady apologized and said she'd call me later. I was so pissed. I starting yelling and I think I cracked the wall when I slammed the door. She called later and I told her to close my case, that I wouldn't be back. But that experience and a stalker-like ex lead me to run. I trusted a few people and stayed on and off at their houses. I wouldn't talk to anyone else. I wouldn't go online. I thought that any such contact would lead to my ex finding me. And I wouldn't try to get help because I was afraid they'd lock me up. Drinking binges ensued. You get the idea.

So now I just get the meds (Wellbutrin & Xanax)from my MD - who does *not* think I'm psychotic. I feel that all the therapy over the past few years has only made things worse. I don't know.

I guess I knew I needed to get this stuff out, but now my heart is beating way too fast. How exactly to you relax without drugs/alcohol? Fill me in.