1-11-2001 | 9:00 PM

Christmas was amazing. And yet I felt overwhelmed by guilt. My family was so generous with the gifts. And yet I really did not deserve anything due to my antics of the past year. I received the coolest 'Lava Lamp' for my b-day. I've always wanted one!

A few days after X-Mas I fell down a flight of stairs. My fourth concussion. I'm in competition with Troy Aikman, you know. My neurologist told me that it could take a few months for full recovery. In the meantime, the side effects could be: confusion, blurry vision, headaches, depression and moodiness. So I've been kind of cranky and not so fun to be around. Or maybe just avoiding people. Something like that.

Shiny Kitten-Cat insists on sleeping on my bed every night. He nudges his way under the blankets and curls up in the crook of my elbow. Then he drools and falls asleep. Silly kitty.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon after canceling appointments for the past few months. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't really been taking my meds. I don't really know what to say to him. My emotions are kind of up and down again. Sleeplessness. Mega alcohol urges. I never thought it'd be this hard. The need grows so intense that I can actually taste the Absolut. For health reasons I've been urged to not drink. And for my family. Because I've already put them through enough.

Writing about this isn't helping. Just making me want it more.