5-3-2002 | 3:32 p.m.

That pain, you know under my ribs, finally forced me to go see Doc. So, I'm on the examining table and he's pressing under my ribs and I'm wincing. "You haven't been drinking have you?" He asks with an accusatory tone. Busted! "Huh? No, I don't really drink often..." This is the doctor that prescribes my Xanax and has no clue about my rehab/detox stints. It was time to have blood drawn. "I'm running blood work on your liver, iron levels and a test for H. pylori. Double up on the Nexium starting today. Come back in a week." So, yeah, H. pylori is a fancy-pants ulcer bacteria. Back in the day, when I was a mere 17 years old, they didn't have the whole bacteria=ulcer knowledge, so I was prescribed Tagamet for 6 months. Yeah, my first ulcer. I actually stopped drinking for a while, because my doctor scared the hell out of me with "You will die unless you stop drinking. Don't lie I know you drink."

So, yes I have been drinking lately. Too much on the weekends; occasionally during the week. Let's not get into relationships and enabling though. I'm not an alcoholic. Maybe I was at one point, still not sure. Nobody forces me to drink, regardless of some opinions. The fact is, if I go out to a bar/restaurant with friends, I have to drink. Well, if everyone else is drinking - dammitt I want to! Peer pressure. Everyone knows that it sucks to be in the midst of a drunken mass, being all sober yourself. I blame myself. Does Xanax increase the effects of alcohol? I've only been told Xanax+Alcohol=bad, bad girl.

No Absolut until I see the doc again next Friday. Only Xanax. And that stupid stomach med. And Celexa (yeah, upped to 40 mg. now) for that Depression/Personality problem I supposedly have. I still think the Xanax is to blame, for the mood swings, but I'm not going to disclose that to dear doctor. I hope my liver is all cool. Don't fail me now pal.

So, I guess I'll be avoiding certain people all weekend. What was that quote? "Lock the doors and hide your mothers." Huh? No clue where that came from. Someone always says that. Maybe my Dad? A nice boring week ahead. Maybe I'll actually pick up a book? Nah, my attention span probably won't allow.