11-05-2000 | 7:00 PM

The Lamictal is actually taking away the mania. It's a strange feeling though. As much as mania has interfered with my life, it was a part of me. And now I feel somewhat numb and subdued. I don't think I like it. I never asked to be free of the mania - but my psychiatrist wanted to get rid of it. He says that I can't continue to live that way. Too unstable. And I don't want to be carted off to the loony bin once again. My edge is gone. I'm just quiet now. Instead of drastic highs and lows I feel nothing. But there's still a sense of paranoia - maybe even more than before. Because everyone is trying to change me to fit their needs. And I have no idea who I really am anymore.

But really it's not disastrous. On the upside, the tenseness in my neck and shoulder muscles is finally gone. I can actually concentrate long enough to read a book. I stopped living in squalor and thoroughly cleaned my basement abode. Instead of racing thoughts in my head I have silence. And I'm actually able to sleep more than two hours at a time. I'll just wait and see if this is indeed a better alternative as my psychiatrist insists it is.

Hey, Tuesday is Election Day - please don't forget to go out and vote for Al Gore. Mandy is right - a vote for Nader really is a vote for Bush. I think it'll be a close race, but in the end Gore will pull ahead and win it. Or so I hope.