12-21-2000 | 10:00 PM

I filled the sleeping pill prescription on 12/11. One pill a night, which means 30 pills, should last until 1/11. But I only have 7 pills left. And this isn't about; "Oooooh let me get high off of Sonata!" I'm just having an extremely difficult time falling asleep at night. I can sleep during the day without a problem. But at night, when normal people are sleeping? Nope. And no matter how many pills I take, I still can't fall asleep until after 5:00 AM. But then that's just part of the mania. I still haven't started taking my 'anti-manic' medication again. I don't really have a reason. But I am taking my Zoloft.

The 'food issues' started when I was about 12 yrs old. My Mom weighed under 90 lbs. at the time. She would exercise for hours and rarely eat. My brother and I were very thin naturally. Everything in our house was low fat. No candy, cookies or potato chips. We only drank 'Crystal Light' or milk. My Mom couldn't have temptation in the house. People would jokingly ask my Mom, "Do you feed those kids or what?" But they weren't joking. Mom would make us go for walks with her. 3 mile walks. She always cried, "I'm so fat!" And so I began to believe that I was overweight as well. I started taking diet pills at age 16. I'd go for days without eating. Only drinking tea. Counting calories. Vomiting after meals. There's a high, euphoria. But then there's the irritability and the burning in stomach. And it's a secret. Or so I thought. My Mom shakes her head when I exit the bathroom - eyes puffy, face pink. "I know what you do!" Accusing glare. "Go ahead. You're killing yourself. And blame me. I know it's my fault!" And she runs to the garage to smoke. And I hide. I don't want to be this way. But I am. And judge me if you wish.