3-8-2001 | 3:00AM

It hasn't been easy. My moods are so unpredictable. I cry a lot - which is something new. Maybe because I held everything in for so long? And a few minutes later I'm laughing.

No more Doxepin. Yet another med switch. Now I'm on Wellbutrin SR. If anyone has been on this med I'd appreciate feedback. And the Xanax. I've resolved to only take them at night to calm my thoughts so I can sleep. Started at 1. Now I'm at 2. But the bottle says 3 pills a day maximum. So I'm okay. But there are times when I'm so pissed off that I want to take a handful and find euphoria again. Like today...

I arrive at my psychologist's office for a session. There's a guy in the lounge filling out paper work. Psych lady steps out of her office and gives me a strange look:
"Why are you here? We don't have a session today..."
"Yes we do. I have the appointment card in my backpack." I reply.

She grabs her appointment book. "Oh...I see the problem...I'm so sorry. With the storm I had to reschedule a bunch of clients. I crossed your name out by mistake..."
"So...no session?" I ask.
"We'll have to reschedule. How about tomorrow?" She asks.
"No." I say as my eyes tear and I feel like an idiot.
"Friday then?"
"No...next week...I guess. Can I use your phone?" I reply as my chest starts to tighten.

You see. I do not have a liscense at the moment. My Mom had just dropped me off. I now had to call and have her pick me up then - instead of in 50 minutes. Everyone would be mad at me. They'd blame me. And When I called the house Mom hadn't even gotten home yet. Step-Dad got all pissy which upset me more. "Ummm...I don't have a session. There was a problem..." I tell him.
"What?" Evil man asks, anger in voice.

Therapist lady says loudly. "It was my fault."
"Tell her to drive you home then!"

So he said he'd have Mom come back for me. I hung up and the psych lady seemed sorry. "I can call you later if you need to talk." She says as she pats me on the shoulder. I backed away - because well...leave me the fuck alone you bitch. "Did you have a bad day?" She asks in her ultra concerned voice. "Don't worry about it..." I say as I walk out of her office, passing the guy in the lounge - who apparently had my session time. Tears falling, but no sound. Eyes burning. And waiting outside freezing my ass off I realized. I was in her appointment book first. She made the mistake to schedule someone over me. Why was I the one sent away? I actually was looking forward to my session for once. I needed to let some of the crap in my head out. Because I feel afraid sometimes. And this paranoia is kicking my ass.