7-7-2001 | 3:26 a.m.

I'm trying. I've cut back from 3-4 Xanax at a time to one or sometimes two. I have to get off this crap. I think it's making me depressed or that maybe I am depressed and the pills just make it worse. I have no clue. It takes me a while to realize that I am indeed depressed. But mania, I can usually see that coming.

I have this overwhelming feeling of detachment, like I don't belong anywhere. I imagine that no one wants me hear. I haven't unpacked most of my belongings, just the necessities. And I've been calling friends I haven't spoken to in a while to make sure they're okay. To let them know how I feel about them. Why does everything seem so final at times. Every conversation feels like a goodbye. I have these insane thoughts, rambling ideas. And there are times when I think I should tell someone. But I don't ever want to be confined to a psych ward again. Things I've never considered. I can't get a gun license because of my past mental health record. Why is that bothering me so much lately? Over and over in my mind. Memories of everyone I've ever known. Stories. Events. It's like I'm accessing every detail of my life. Trying to put everything into perspective. Is the sudden decrease of Xanax dosage to blame? Do I need to find another therapist? I've started to give some of my possessions to my sister & brother. I don't really want anything anymore. Numb. I'm just numb.