4-19-2003 | 2:35 p.m.

Everything affects me lately. I can't let go of the words they hurled at me in anger. She thinks everything is okay between us again and jokes. I guess she doesn't know that I'm pissed off and hurt by what was said.

Defensive. Anything said feels like a personal attack. All those years of being cold. Now I feel like I'm going to cry constantly. I hate this.

There's always an event to hold me here. "Well if I can just make it to my Uncle's wedding." "I don't want to ruin my brother's birthday."

I'm exhausted. Miserable. Why can't I find a reason to keep going, for ME. If you live for each day, then why does a future seem impossible? Every morning, I try to have hope that I'll get through without thinking about that word that my fingers won't let me type. There's just too much in my head. Everything I screwed up. The anger and resentment. Self hate. Why the hell should I hold on for you? For anyone? How fair is that? Time limits. Not worth it. I should do what I want. They can cry all they want. I won't be listening.