12-05-00 | 11:00 PM

Not dead, but I could be soon. Hey just kidding. I took the Will you be murdered? test that Andrew linked on one of his sites. Here are my results:

Rate Your Risk
Murder
Your total is 80.
(71 to 100) You are at moderate risk. It would be advisable to alter your schedule and traveling techniques. Cut down your public exposure.

Details:
You face more criminal (per capita) in the big city. That adds to some of your risk, but hey...You gotta be out-of-your-mind to use drugs and AT OTHER PEOPLES' HOUSES...Whew. Not a good plan...risky. You are drinking too much in public. You cannot control ANY situation with less than optimal control of your body. You are drinking too much. You cannot control ANY situation with less than optimal control of your body. Divorce often means emotional upset. Police always consider ex-wives or ex-husbands in murders because they are so often the culprit.

Hmmm...does that explain my absence? Go rate your risk and post the results on my discussion board (see bottom of page for link.) Anyway, I've been pretty screwed up the past few weeks. Ran out of my anti-mania/paranoia medication and didn't feel like going to the pharmacy for a refill. I stopped therapy as well because I was convinced my psychologist was trying to have me committed. Starting slipping back into my formal drunken self. A voice in my head urged me to seek out Valium and Xanax. The memories of my last overdose put the urges to sleep. And as much as I despise myself sometimes, I don't want to scar my younger brother and sister with my death. And I'm not talking suicide. Suicide is selfish. But then so are drug binges that leave you half-dead in an ER at 4:00 AM. So, I started taking my Zoloft again like a good little girl and soon the anti-mania meds. Just for a while so I'll level out.

If I can concentrate on my family until after Christmas than maybe I'll be able to work on myself. Being manic when you do your X-Mas shopping is BAD. I am now officially broke until the first week of January. But my siblings will love their presents. I can't wait until we get our X-Mas tree. The smell of pine. Living room lamps off and the sparkly Christmas lights making shadows on the walls. Truly relaxing and magical. The one Holiday that brings my family together and brings out our love for each other. Plus, of course, I love playing with all the new toys my younger siblings receive. Nothing can be wrong for those few days. It's like time stops.

I should be updating this diary more often. There's always the link below to lead you to brilliant diaries that update more often and are WAY more interesting.