10-1-2002 | 12:15 a.m.

Last night, I didn't fall asleep until after 3:00am - well this morning, but you know what I mean. All these nagging thoughts in my head. What is my place here? Do they think I'm a major screw up? Should I move out? But then where would I go? Am I insane? Addicted? I paced and popped extra Xanax. I tried to email Doug, but the words just wouldn't make sense.

Tonight, I hid in the basement, TV on, pacing. Paranoid. Then my Mom knocks on the door. I told her to come in.

"You know, I just want to tell you something. I'm not sure if I've expressed this before. But you make..."

I'm thinking, "Uh-oh. What did I do now?"

Mom drops a few magazines on my weird coffee table/book chest thing. "You've been taking a lot of stress off of me. When I come home from work, you've already made sure the kids' homework is done. You keep them entertained. Then my nights are easier. Thank you. I wanted to make sure you knew I appreciated it."

I kind of paused, not really knowing what to say. I couldn't recall the last time she'd thanked me for anything. "Um, yeah, no big deal. They're great kids." Then she smiled and went back upstairs.

I think I needed that, to keep me going, to make me feel like I had some purpose. Even if it isn't exactly making me feel fulfilled in life. Eased the paranoia a little. Maybe I'm not as bad as I thought I was. Or useless. Still, I need some sort of direction. I can't take care of my sister and brother the rest of my life and live in this basement.

In other news, the contestants for Diary Survivor 4 have been chosen. Go take a look and follow the contest if you have the time. It'll be interesting, to say the least.

In even scarier news, the other night I dreamt that I was chosen as a contestant for the real Survivor. We were all on an island, and Jeff Probst and I were flirting and trying to keep our relationship a secret. He smiled that incredible smile, leaned in to kiss me...and I woke up. I think I am getting way too obsessed with the man. Almost rivals my fixation with Robert Downey Jr.