2-5-2002 | 2:15 a.m.

So, yeah - I just typed a huge entry and then deleted it. It was about my body image issues. And how someone I've known since my early teen years looked at me in a totally different light - his eyes told me something. And I discussed what people view as my 'distorted body image' And that every compliment I am given regarding my looks feel like lies.

You know I rarely discuss 'dating' or 'boyfriends' in my diary. Because, well after my short term (8 month) marriage my views on relationships changed. Any relationship I've been involved in since, has just not worked. I don't get attached. I start to feel smothered. I don't want someone calling me every day. I don't want to see someone every day. I start to get annoyed with petty jealousy and their need to feel that they possess me. Everyone tries to set me up on dates, which I refuse. And the other day my friend Shelly's fiancée asked, "How come a beautiful girl like you doesn't have a ton of boyfriends? I bet you do." (spoken in a Brooklyn accent, ha.) I just laughed.

My physical appearance does not portray my inner self. Looks can be deceiving. On the inside, I'm an emotional mess. You could never deal with my manic or psychotic episodes. My ex wanted to 'make me better' emotionally. But that ended horribly because he couldn't make me better and punished me for it. I might feel detached for the rest of my life. I'm not looking for a 'boyfriend' - maybe I just need someone that won't expect too much from me. A casual, hanging out, deal. It's never enough. I'm too cold and I'd lay in your arms one day and drop you the next. I won't take your calls or read your emails. I'll pretend I'm not home if you knock on my door.

And I can never explain why my 'feelings' have changed. Because I don't know. There is no warning, something just shuts off. That may portray me as a bitch, but I never intend to hurt anyone and feel so overwhelmed with guilt when I act that way. Which is why I think I should just be alone, for now anyway.

Now does that sound like someone you'd like to get to know better?

A week from today I will be in the neurologist's office. The beta blockers have not stopped the tremors yet, which makes me not want to leave the house. Everyone is starting to notice how my hands shake when I attempt to do the smallest task - like unlocking my door or even sipping a from a glass.

I don't know what the problem is and I am not going to worry about it until a doctor confirms it. And hypoglycemia is just a stupid term used to tell someone that they should eat more. It won't kill me and I will not change my eating (or lack thereof) habits. So stop pushing the food on me already.

There is one issue I feel good about though. What the...Meg is happy about something? I have been cutting back on the Xanax. I've been doing it slowly, and sometimes I will revert to full dosage if I wake up screaming. I want to get off this stuff. Zero Xanax. But until I find out the deal with my brain, I shouldn't try to totally stop. The withdrawal would only add to everything else.

Wow, wasn't that an informing entry that made sense. Sorry folks, I write it as I feel it, and ramble, and switch topics constantly. This is how I've always written - you should see my hand written journals; messy and scary indeed.

I will end this entry on a happy note. I'm signing up for the next Survivor so I can maul Jeff Probst! Yeah right - - - that mental health evaluation would go well. And I am not a blonde and beautiful bartender/aspiring actress - so I wouldn't make the cut. haha.