12-09-2000 | 4:00 PM

I have a toothache. There's a gaping hole in my tooth. It looks like the tooth is split in half. And since I have no dental insurance and I have $20.00 in my checking account and maybe $2.00 in my wallet I will have to wait until the beginning of January to see a dentist. Yes, I went overboard with the X-Mas gifts for my siblings.

Plus, my Dutch-cat has asthma. Can you believe this crap? He's been wheezing for months. So now he's on steroids. Very expensive steroids that he'll have to remain on for the rest of his life. Which hopefully will not be shortened as a result of his illness. My poor baby.

My Mom is itching for grandchildren. She gets very upset when I tell her that I don't want children. And everyone tells me I'd make a wonderful mother. But I don't think it'd be fair to the children, to have an unstable mom. Plus bi-polar disorder can be hereditary. I've hurt enough people. And after the disaster that was my marriage, I honestly can't see a serious relationship happening again. Getting close to me is nearly impossible lately anyway. And I like it that way. For now anyway.

I see the signs of depression, but I feel helpless. This is the third time I've canceled an appointment with my psychiatrist. And there's always a reason. Always an excuse. I know it's fear. Fear of what he'll say when he sees me. It's so obvious that I'm not taking my meds. I tried. For a few days I did start taking them again. Something just didn't feel right. I refuse to let him put me away again. I don't need hospitalization. I don't really know what I need. It's so hard to admit the feelings. Fear. Hopelessness. Numbness. And then there's the strange euphoria. I start to feel like I can do anything and not die. That's the scariest part. It's part of the mania I think.

I have to start getting these emotions out. My mind feels a bit less cluttered when I do. Anyway, I'm hanging out with Patrick & Chrissy tonight. My Mom and Step-Dad have a Christmas party to attend. So we'll be eating junk food and playing video games. The new Bond game "The World is not enough" for Nintendo64 is amazing! I'll get my ass kicked, but it'll be fun. And it'll keep me from getting wasted tonight. And keep me away from people who will provide an initial escape that could lead to an eventual nightmare. Maybe I'll even pop in on the diaryland chat tonight.

Oh yeah, Diary Survivor 2 is in the works. You can get an application by visiting the above site. Cmon it'll be fun!