9-17-2001 | 2:45 a.m.

And I thought I'd be the one breaking down...

My Mom has been crying non-stop since the WTC attacks. She gets home from work and puts on CNN and cries. The sobbing type of crying. Yes, people she knows are still missing. But...I've had to take care of my younger sibs because she's a mess. First I had to explain the whole terrorist situation. Now I have to explain why Mom is freaking out. She hears a plane overhead, runs outside and screams. She keeps saying, "That's it. We're all going to die." I tried to console her. I tried to turn off the TV for a while.

My older brother had to stay with us the past two days. Mom says that she wants all of her kids together in case something happens. We're worried she's going to lose it and end up in the hospital. I cannot deal with this much longer. I'm not getting my own assignments done. And she says.."If you were a mother you'd understand." She needs to try to keep it together somehow. I'm afraid she's scaring Patrick and Chrissy. I'm trying. I just don't know what to do.

Thankfully, my friend Billy is safe. He was down by WTC helping out for 20 hours+ straight. And the scene he told me of made me puke again. He was out there risking his life to try and rescue others. I'd be right there beside him if I could. I'm giving blood next week. And the bank my Mom works at is matching any donations customers make to the Red Cross. I'll sending whatever I can. Even if it's just $20. I'd send more if I could.

I've gone through the sadness/shock phase. Now I'm just really pissed off. Angry at the deranged people that did this. And at the government - - - - yeah you George Dubya. I told you he'd fuck the country up. He's worrying about missile defense and putting little into military intelligence. And all the world knew that. And I have no doubts that they were trying to kill Bush as well. This could have been avoided. I hate to point the finger, but I have to. Because I sure as hell know I didn't cause this. Get Clinton back in here. Or give the job to the man who the people wanted as President - Al Gore. You suck GWB. And security in this country sucks. I don't usually condone violence - but someone needs to pay. But don't just go and bomb anyone now. Easy there Dubya. Itchy trigger finger, huh.

Bush says that we need to "get back to normalcy" Yeah, let me go to the mall and buy some sneakers while my Mom sits catatonic in front of the TV and I take over as caregiver once again. Nothing is normal. More than 5000 innocent people are dead. They did not deserve this. Who was protecting us?

I used to love taking Metro-North into the city. Not anymore. And hey let's jump onto a plane and fly to DC to visit my Uncle. Yeah...you won't see me at an airport anytime soon. But then, if you have to kill someone go ahead, let it be me. I don't give a shit.

And all of a sudden everyone is patriotic and waving flags and trying to stick together. Fuck that. Takes a huge tragedy for that to happen. And you can be pissed at me for saying that, but I'm not holding back anymore. Time to take the good ole Amtrack up to Canada. I just want some quiet. I've lived in NY all my life. But some lunatics fucked it all up. I want out of here, NOW.